• He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
  When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
  He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."
  He tells you that he has never told a lie.
  A big sign in his office says: "Don't ask me."
  A prison guard is shaving your head.
   

The Bartender

• A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
  "Sure do," replied the bartender.
  
  "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
   

• The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
  The student replied, "Here's an orange."
  The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

 

• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
  A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

• Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a civilian getting run over?
  A: At least civilian will have skid marks !

• Q: What do a good lawyer and a good mechanic have in common?
  A: They don't exist !

• Arguing with a lawyer is like mud wrestling with a pig: after a while you realize that the pig actually enjoys it.

How Many Lawyers ?

• Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
  A1: "How many can you afford?"
  
  A2: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.